'Bucket of Bubbles'

Facing the end times? Bo can help

Looking for an herbal cure for bedwetting? A piece of Idaho land to ride out the battle of Armageddon, or a tryout set of lock picks for autos, foreign and domestic? How about a "kubotan" defense tool, Spyder Clip-It Endura Knife or some Respond 2, specially prepared formula of CS gas/pepper spray, "80 times more effective" than Mace?

Who you gonna call? Try end-times-buster James "Bo" Gritz.

This retired Special Forces lieutenant colonel has it all. In between lecturing on the evils of the "six-pointed star" and government conspiracies stretching from Laos to Arkansas, Gritz will sell you what you need to survive the coming holocaust. If Gritz doesn't offer your preferred survivalist items at his Web site or in the catalog his Center for Action puts out, it is probably not needed in what he calls this "time of Noah."

Getting ready for the end? There are 12 different videos of Gritz's SPIKE (Specially Prepared Individuals for Key Events) training at $75 a pop. Learn how to create a safe zone in your house, conduct photo intelligence, birth children in the wilds. Brush up on "Quick Kill Instinctive Shooting," aircraft landings and parachute operations.

Hear the latest on countersurveillance, stick fighting, field surgery, interrogation and hypnosis.

When the computers crash, it may be time to get back to Mother Nature. In the know is Bo, whose prices really are quite low: Family Herb Kit (includes tinctures, powders, poultices, salves and oils), $99.95. GETAWAY 72 Hr. 2 Person Duffel Bag ("It's a hurricane, flood, tornado — IT'S THE FEDS!!!"), $199.95. Homeopathic Flu Solution ("IT WORKS!!"), $36.95.

Basic Year's Supply of Food for 1 Adult (pinto beans, rice, powdered milk, salt, "sugar OR honey plus cooking instructions"), a steal at $490.

There are convenient lock pick sets (they're for "Defense Against Restricted Entry"), from the $7.95 garden-variety version to the $24.95 deluxe set. The July special was the Stereoscopic Glasses & Topographic Map Book Set, $10 off. And in case you're worried about missing Bo's radio show, he's got radios from $44 to $269, postpaid.

You may want to spend your time in the woods reading up on the state of the world. No problem. From anti-Semite Eustace Mullins' "The New World Order" to "legal consultant" Howard Freeman's views of the courts, they're in stock. You can find out the truth about bar codes, the Federal Reserve and the AIDS conspiracy.

Or, if you're just stuck on the classics, there's a keeper in "Our Ageless Constitution," a trifling $28.95.

But even in these trying times, it's cleanliness that's next to godliness. And so, at $40, there's a kit for making soap at home, "for those who truly desire self-sufficiency." Its title — which might well apply to all of Gritz's hardware — says it all: "Bucket of Bubbles."