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'Full Colon Miller'

A Milwaukee conspiracist says punctuation such as the colon is the key to liberty, but others say David Wynn Miller is full of it.

McDONOUGH, Ga. -- The King of Hawaii is confused.

He's a genius, he says, with an IQ of 200. He's the one who discovered, back in 1998, "the mathematical interface in the truth that certifies all 5,000 languages, frontwards and backwards."

The Constitution is a "bankruptcy trust," he knows, and old Ben Franklin was a triple agent. Bill Clinton and every member of the Supreme Court are students of his, along with 100 million others, and no surprise either. After all, David Wynn Miller spent 59,000 hours studying such matters and if he can't give you the answers, no one can.

But the professorial conspiracist — who was coronated in 1996, he reports, after he "turned Hawaii into a verb" and held 25 seminars for the grateful natives — is feeling a bit perplexed. "Oh, I'm on, live?" he mutters after someone at the Homeland Security Expo held here last November yells something about the video camera that's rolling now. "Okay, er, I'll do an introduction here."

And so, setting sail into the linguistic fog, he begins.

"My name is David hyphen Wynn full colon Miller," the 53-year-old Milwaukean says, and the brows of his audience of 50 begin to furrow. This crowd of "Patriots" is used to conspiracy theories, but even at an event dominated by antigovernment ideology, Miller is tough going. "The reason I use a full colon and a hyphen in my name, the first full colon, which is full colon David, it means for the David hyphen Wynn. That's my given name, and it's also a noun, because it uses a prepositional phrase. ... Because I use prepositional phrases, through punctuation, which is classified as hieroglyphics, which makes me a life, l-i-f-e. Now, when you don't punctuate your name ... David is an adjective, Wynn is an adjective, Miller is a pronoun. Two adjectives are a condition of modification, opinion, presumption, which modifies the pronoun, pro means no on noun. So therefore, I'm not a fact. I'm a fiction."

Aha. Now we're getting to the heart of the matter. If you don't punctuate your name correctly — and especially if it's written all in capitals, as devious court officials are wont to do — you're "dead." Yes, dead. An illusion.

"Neat concepts," as Miller points out.

It's not easy to follow, but Miller makes his way, via his finding that maritime law applies worldwide because "Earth is a vessel in a sea of space," to the "universal postal union" — the U.S. Postal Service, he seems to mean. Turns out it runs the world. Has since 1873. Ben Franklin was a postmaster. President Grant, too.

Miller makes some other detours, letting the crowd in on how MasterCard took over the U.S. economy at the stroke of midnight on Sept. 17, 1999. But soon he's getting to where he really wants to go — the World Trade Center.

When the Sept. 11 attacks occurred, the Center towers collapsed in six seconds, Miller says, not the 12 seconds it would have taken normal matter. Plus, all the concrete turned to dust. Having discovered the "mathematical interface that all steel is plastic" some years back, Miller understands perfectly what "the physics of plastic" is trying to tell him: A magnetic pulse brought down the towers.

What creates a magnetic pulse? C-4 plastic explosive. Who has C-4? The military. Who controls the military? The post office.

And there you have it. Postal authorities sneaked into the towers, replacing all chairs, tables and file cabinets with plastic furniture. Explosive plastic furniture. The steel in the building — well, that was plastic steel, and it was utterly destroyed by the C-4, which is only capable of destroying other plastic "polymers."

"That's what gave us certification that it was an inside job," Miller explains.

At the moment of collapse, $12 trillion was transferred electronically from the basement of the trade center to Singapore. "The World Trade Center was a bank robbery," Miller reveals, "very cleverly engineered."

The man's red hot now. After an hour and 22 minutes, he's coming to the nub of the conspiracy. But suddenly, someone's telling him his time's up. "They always do this to me," Miller complains. "They cut me off in the middle of a sentence."

Not to worry. The King of Hawaii tells his listeners that he'll finish up in the back, where he's selling his books and videos. That's what he did the last time this happened. They sorted it all out that time — in five hours and 15 minutes.